Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
