Just fell off a train. Bad.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
