My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
