why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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