My cat gives me a boner
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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