So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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