honey bunches of taint.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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