He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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