No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize