Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Randomize
