i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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