In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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