I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
