I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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