They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
