I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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