Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
