I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
