I didn't shave. On purpose
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My cat gives me a boner
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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