Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
