It's Friday. Sex?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
