He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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