she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
