I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I don't deserve a penis
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
