Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
