fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
