You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
