so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
