Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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