i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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