Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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