I wish I could teleport
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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