You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize