The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
