1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
