I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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