my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The struggles of a small town man whore
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
