im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
