Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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