I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
