He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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