I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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