I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize