Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
