i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
