she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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