Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
