Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish life had little blips of pornography
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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