you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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