When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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