Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
