and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
