i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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