I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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