You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All I want is dick and wine.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
