You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
