The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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