there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
