You smell like stripper and shame
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
