Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Less talking, more tequila
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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