is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
