He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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