I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
