So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
