First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
