Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
