Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
