No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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