like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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