You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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