I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It's rum buckets o'clock
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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