Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize