It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
