If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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