if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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