cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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