So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize