All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
