I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
