the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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